urlhere @ blogspot
TRUTH the daughter of Time
and this records my thoughts and emotions.
|
Life with Craft of History.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013 @ 4:10 pm
It has been really a long while since I written anything reflective and I guess I am happy to be where I am right now. Studying History is rewarding and I continue to reap the intellectual benefits as a History major.
I look back at my old entries and I see myself, embarrassed, disgusted, happy, and I realize that I have changed, and how dumb I was in the past. Well, years have passed since I written something in the blog and in the spirit of learning, I will be applying what I am currently learning in HY2259 to my personal life.
Well, I was taking a walk home from a lunch appt with a friend holding on to my book on the Cold War. The cover page shows a photograph of Stalin, Roosevelt and Churchill, in the famous Tehran Conference. And I realized, these men lived lives pretty much just like myself and the implications of their actions affect the world in ways beyond our comprehension. Similarly, my actions, though the impact is considerably smaller, still affect my world around me. The point is, these people make decisions, albeit more complex and profound than mine, but the decisions they make are more than just due to one factor. Reflecting upon myself, I try to historicize my life in the past few months to understand why and how did I arrive to where I am today- and I realize that there are no clear reasons but an array of reasons which compelled me to make the decisions which prompt me to my current state. If that is the case, then the same would also apply to the historical figures- no single factor would account for how the way things turned out but a myriad of factors and motivations. It would be silly to pinpoint to attribute to one reason for an event.
I learnt that every source is written and interpreted in the way a subject sees it- hence it would not be objective. If that is the case, how do historians pursue objectivity when the sources they study are all subjective and the authors may not even know the whole truth. Even myself, I can't even account for why things happened the way they did months ago- let alone events which happened in another epoch.
Still- I need to record what has happened so as I can account to myself in the future.
I shall try my best to write and describe my emotions and thoughts.
First, I need to back up to end of 2010- my policing days, when I met this wonderful girl, S. We clicked easily and somehow managed to date for almost two years, till the transitional part of my uni life from year 1-2. I guess I was too complacent and did not try hard enough to our lives and she left me. I was devastated. Yet, with the help of friends and loved ones, I managed to pick myself up. When I entered uni, I made a close friend, H, and I had this intellectual admiration for her in addition to good chemistry. Yet, we remained close friends and kinda drifted apart for abit due to my relationship with S. After the breakup with S, H and I kinda grew close and the feelings caught up with us and I recklessly went into the relationship- I remember her asking me if I was really over S. I remembered saying yes, as the feelings I had were so real at that point of time. It was a mistake which would hurt H. We tumbled into a relationship and my feelings for her faded over time. It was appalling how I could feel like this. Soon, I pulled the plug as I felt responsible for not wasting her time. Besides, she was due to go for an exchange. LDR is a nightmare and I do not want her to feel that it is due to the LDR but it is my fault for the strained relationship.
Soon after H was off, I was determined to friendzone every single living being who remotely comes close to me. Which I felt I was consciously doing. However, things went beyond my plans. What I thought was platonic friendship kinda grew complicated. Within two weeks, our behavior towards each other went from being close friends to somewhat like a couple.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
I wish it was like a physical thing.
It isn't.
Now, we are having a break for a week, to live without each other- in order to resolve what we want from each other and see if what we feel are circumstantial or is it real.
I really do not want to hurt another again.
Ironically, or aptly as my adolescent self has believed in, Veritas filia temporis.
What my feelings are, only time will tell.
Yet, Santayana's words ring caution in my head.
Such the irony of life.
reflections
Saturday, January 02, 2010 @ 2:23 am
2009 came and went. and its the 2nd day of the year and well, maybe it's time to stop stopping myself from thinking and start reflecting on what ive done the past year. 2009, a bittersweet year, i should say, and many people walked into my life, though not all stayed. In a nutshell, 2009 was work, play, romance, separation, male bonding, politics, work(police), my first step into nightlife. it was one of the years where i feel, a certain part of me have changed. and i have outgrown some of my childhood fears, and acquired many bad practices.people have stayed by me in my life, and some have left quickly, while some have left involuntarily. when i think of it now, a certain feeling kinda like the feeling u get when theres sth stuck in your throat and you feel awkward, but it feels good to me. at least i feel for something, and yes death came and robbed two good husbands, fathers, uncles, from many people's lives. one of whom is closer to me, though the other is related by blood. 2009, i will remember them dearly for the ones who were always there when u wanted to find them, i can remember still, when the market was still not renovated, he will always be there, sipping coffee, waiting for his friends, and always he will acknowledge my existence, and always welcome me in his life. and i was there when he was ill too, his quick descent into a state of dilapidation, his usual jovial smile, replaced with fake smiles of reassurance. seeing his wife, also breaks my heart, as of now, the empty bed, when usually the warmth of his body would always be there by her side, now replaced by the void, as with his body, now it's ashes. love and loss, without one, the existence of the other wouldn't be significant. another loss, my love, i threw it away, for utter selfish reasons, maybe i was thinking with my prick at the moment i made the decision, or maybe i was really under severe pressure, from myself to be a good lover. (good as in virtuous) and maybe i didn't love from the start. tears were shed over that too. and unkind words, that she didn't deserve, were said. I know i was wrong, and i am wrong, yet i clearly know i had to be alone, to grow, to throw away my past pursuits, and to find my real calling. im sorry, i will treat you with what you deserve, but im sorry i still have to let things stay this way, and i really treasure your friendship. National service made me many friends, some of whom are still in touch, some, have already left long ago. and im glad many of us are going to the same place after ord, and i have learnt many values from them, and i will always remember the first weekend we stayed in camp, polishing boots while talking about porn and stuff, it was amazing. i mean the moment, not the porn, and we did talk about other stuff. Happiness, is it so hard to get? i always thought happiness comes when you are with friends, with pretty girls, with money, with the satisfaction of the body, no. I am really wrong. I felt happy recently, and it was of the moment, when i was talking to a fellow sadcase on the bus home, i told her i felt really fulfilled though it was just a brief conversation of 10 mins, and i know she didn't feel anything special about it, and (no i am not in love or in any way in love with her) but yup, i was happy. i miss the times, though not many, the times when i can talk to someone, knowing that one understands, and listens, and feels what i was saying. well, looking back in 2009. it really was more significant than i didn't think it would be. rest in peace, Uncle papa, Da jiu. i will always treasure the times i had with you, and both of you have been a role model to me, and i will always remember you. Kelipng, i appreciate everything you've done for me, my 18, 19th birthdays, valentine day gifts, your love for me, i will remember, and i really am sorry to hurt you so much, maybe someday, when i have outgrown the boy i still am, i will face you again. to myself, you know your mistakes, you know your flaws, please, be somebody. Labels: life., messages, reflections Monday, August 24, 2009 @ 11:49 pm
i wish to express myself. @ 11:48 pm
see and be seenhear and be heard feel and be felt understand and be understood like and be liked love and be loved so corny. yet so real. @ 10:33 pm
I am Lim Jun Kai. I am using my computer at home in my own room, at Telok Blangah Crescent, in Singapore, Singapore is a city state, my room is my home. Telok Blangah, Jun Kai, Singapore, Singapore, Jun Kai, Telok Blangah. Names.Goodbye BPT , Hello NPCO training.
Saturday, July 25, 2009 @ 1:04 pm
i realised that it has been so long since i've written something that blogger is gna remove my blog soon, and so the title says, basic police training at HTA is over and the three months felt like half a year, and im posted into Alpha division, that's in Cantoment, as a friendly neighbourhood police officer. okay cut the friendly part, anyway, this period has been remarkably unique, as apart from camps that ive attended, i have never like slept, ate, shat, in one place with my peers before, like, im the only child, so it's really interesting to see the changing countenences of people and how they react to different people. i believe that in order to discover yourself, (as in knowing thyself) one has to put him/herself in a totally different environment, then, one will see how different/similar he is from the rest, and so letting one discover himself. i have made really awesome buddies in camp, whom i would not forget even though life is full of partings, and since 'meeting up soon' doesn't really happen all the time. back on discovering oneself, i have seen some people, they have what i call a formed/solid identity, which is he knows clearly who he is, where he stand, and have his beliefs and would not be swayed by words of others. on the other hand, i have also seen some whose identity that are in flux, ie: they are easily swayed and coaxed into doing things by others. yet, most people ive seen are in the middle, they have their convictions, and when they interact with others, they end up doubting their own convictions and that is true in my case. nonetheless, ive learnt selectively from others while some others are just bullcrap. anyway, i am looking forward to NPCO training, although its gna be boring all over again, im sure it'll be good as i have my friends with me. all the best to all! ps: i shld mention that im gna get a free driving licence. sponsored by our lovely garhment. things i will miss after i go NS. ):
Sunday, April 05, 2009 @ 3:27 am
 not everyone in the picture, but u get the picture. (: (irene + joyce, i couldnt find any photos of you two, but anyway, thanks for going to hotpot with me, and planning the surprise, 看我！  vanessa sadly i couldn't get u to see me- see la wake up late, but yupp, the next time u see me im botak alr. =/ sad right?  sujing managed to see my last hair look, and thanks for coming to settlers to send me off. (: and don purposely celebrate on 7th april ah.  chalet- kickass drunkfest man. sounds gay but im gna miss these people man, hopefully i can still hang out with you ppl even after i get enlisted.  u know where u stand. (: and lets stay strong even though we cant be like tgt as often. take care of yourself when im not around, rmb to eat meat as well, don just eat half pack of rice. D : rest alot too, stay healthy and wait for me to come out! (: seriously, 2 more days, till an entire change in my environment, right now im sitting on my bed, under my aircon, and hands on my laptop, 48 hrs later, i'll probably be on the bunk bed, .................. shit. take care everybody. original title of the post i have been planning for, 'best time of my life'
Friday, March 13, 2009 @ 12:13 am
'how about i don waste your time in your life anymore?' that was your message i got from you just now. and i was intending to blog about this period being the best time of my life. nonetheless i shall go ahead with my post. this is the time, where i have everything i want, and ever, yes thank God for making this good life for me. (: why do i say this is the best time of my life, because the road ahead is the route which all 'medically fit' Singaporean males have to walk. and that would mean leaving the comfort of my friends, family, all the luxury i enjoy now, and mostly leaving Keli for physical training, male bonding, and toughening up my physical and mental and emotional stamina. Hopefully i will come out of it tougher than i was before, and to see all that i have still with me. family, friends, money, love, and a not bad result for my A's. family: mum and dad have been extra nice to me recently, so no complaints, and irene, lets meet up before i go NS. (: friends: been having chats and outings at pubs and jogging tgt. hopefully the plan to hold the chalet succeeds. Bryan pls gather the horde for the chalet and if possible ask the girls to join. (can share cost) hahahah. money: thanks to work at tivoli audio, i have sufficient money to finance my spending. (: love: i say it's like heaven or hell when im with you, heaven because you just make me feel happiness ive never felt before; all the things we did together, Hans, working together and donuts after work, attending the open houses tgt, swimming, we seem to do everything together, and i don know if it's healthy, i cant help but i feel this strong dependence on you. Yet it feels so good to depend on you, and know even if the whole world crumbles and lies, you are true. and this is how i feel now, and i hope that this feeling will last. hell in the sense that because im so attached to you, whenever we fight and quarrel, it just feels so lonely, and i am like without having something to look forward the next morning, and yeah, ive already told you, my phone's photos are all pictures of you. well, maybe im not a frequent user of my phone camera, but yeah, we meet each other almost every other day, and yeah, some might say it's unhealthy for a couple to meet daily; the feelings will fade into normalcy or even monotony, but i think otherwise, sorry if i offend anyone else but i have to say i only feel at ease when im talking and conversing with you, and even if it's my buddies, i have some fear of saying something to hurt them and it is really mentally straining for me, someone with a blunt tongue, thats why i usually hold my piece, although my facial expressions betray me. anyway, you make me feel comfortable, and i can tell you anything, and you can tell me anything, without fear of persecution. So i don't wna lose someone so important to me, thats why it's hellish in the sense whenever we fight, we just shake the love away and really just go at each other. (btw we just made up.) oh the good thing bout us is we make up easily. (: still, me going to NS will be a challenge for the both of us, take care of yourself, and wait for me. (: time for photos. HANS  the not so nice cakes  the lemon tart and strawberry pie which kicks ass! (:  they call this (the beautiful ending) thats it. a levels
Monday, March 02, 2009 @ 9:44 pm
i know i'm screwed, but just don screw me too hard.Friday the 6th 2009, i want u to come fast, yet i don want u here. oh well, hope all is well. best of luck everybody. |
ELEPHANTSCANFLY
welcomes you.
hello everybody,
PROFILE
of elephantscanfly! junkai
ARCHIVES
of elephantscanfly!
By Posts : Life with Craft of History. reflections i wish to express myself. see and be seenhear and be heardfeel and be feltun... I am Lim Jun Kai. I am using my computer at home i... Goodbye BPT , Hello NPCO training. things i will miss after i go NS. ): original title of the post i have been planning fo... a levels random charity
By Month :
|